How can you learn to center yourself when you feel like you’re spinning out of control? How can you regain control and keep yourself from the death spiral that causes you trouble on a regular basis? Is there a way to overcome those emotions that seem to control your life, or should you just resign yourself to the fact that you are just the way you are, and there’s no changing that fact?
Emotions are a powerful thing. They can be beautiful or intensely scary. Sometimes, they can be a mix of both.
This topic is important to me because it’s one I struggled with for a long time.
Maybe you don’t lose yourself as often as I did, but I’m sure it’s something everyone can relate to.
The question is:
How Do We Handle Our Emotions When We Feel Like We’re Spinning Out of Control?
We know this can happen to anyone for a variety of reasons. Someone cuts you off in traffic, your significant other is plucking that last hair-trigger nerve that may or may not start World War 3 in your household, or your toddler is driving you almost to the point of insanity.
Regardless of how you get there, the feelings have welled up inside of you, so what do you do with them? Where do you direct the energy and how do you bring yourself back down to a stable reality without nuking everything and everyone in sight?
The desired outcome is to learn to settle yourself down before you get to that place, or if you’ve reached that place, to take a step back, and then settle yourself down. Either way, you’ve got to chill out before you blow your lid.
It’s almost always easier said than done. However, if you take the time to practice and learn how to reel yourself in, you can shorten the amount of time that you find yourself in that state of being and thinking.
What’s happening a lot of the time is something has triggered you into a state of survival. You’ve fallen back into old habits and programming that were built over days, weeks, months, and even years.
Now, these thoughts and feelings are on autopilot and are difficult to switch off.
This doesn’t mean you have to give in to them. You can begin to train yourself to think and act differently whenever you find yourself in these situations.
It takes time to do this, however. It is not an instantaneous fix. You will have to practice this daily in the small things to begin to notice a difference when the large incidents occur.
Eventually, you’ll be able to get to a place where you can either prevent a breakdown, whatever that looks like for you, or shorten the period of time it takes to go from 100 to 0.
Are Your Emotions On Autopilot?
Usually, the main problem we face is that we’ve allowed ourselves to put our emotional life on autopilot. As I’ve said before, most people were never taught how to manage their emotions, so it’s no surprise that we can get lost in them.
The issue is if we can’t manage our emotions, then they can get the better of us in the long run, which isn’t good for you or the people you’re close to, whether family, friends, work colleagues, etc. At some point, they will crop up and it might not be in the most desirable way.
If it goes unchecked, it could cost you your job, your family, friendships, or at the very least, create complicated relationships that begin to fester and stagnate. Bitterness can begin to creep in. Regrets. A whole host of thoughts and feelings that can progressively get worse if unchecked.
I know people who rarely have emotional outbursts. They seem level-headed, like nothing ever gets to them, and then something triggers them and a monster erupts from their being.
It takes you aback because you weren’t aware they were capable of acting that way.
Then there are others who wear their emotions on their sleeves and there isn’t much hiding how they really feel.
There are still others who are an amalgam of the two. Maybe they seem like they’ve got it all together around one group of people, but around another group, they’re totally different.
Regardless of which group you fall into,
Learning to Control Your Emotions Can Only be Beneficial.
To do that, we have to understand how this plays out in our day-to-day.
Dr. Joe Dispenza does a great job of breaking this down in his lectures, interviews, and books. He is constantly referencing the thinking/ feeling loop we all find ourselves in, even if we don’t know it.
The way it works is like this. Our thoughts create a chemical in our brain, which is then released to the body in the form of a feeling, or an emotion. Our body receives that chemical, and depending on the situation, sends a signal back up to the brain to either receive more of that chemical or send something different.
He states,
“Thoughts are the language of the brain, feelings are the language of the body.”
Dr. Joe Dispenza
Many times, when we are feeling highly emotional, and I’m talking about emotions on what we would consider the negative side of the spectrum, the chemicals we’re sending are on the Fight or Flight side of things. We’re angry about this, worried about that, scared about the other thing, and on and on it goes.
For me, I would get angry easily, and then I would ruminate on the situation, which would make me even more angry.
However, what I came to realize is that I’m not really angry, I’m just addicted to the adrenaline rush I get when I FEEL angry. During my ruminations, I could feel my body getting amped up. The more amped up I got, the angrier I got and the more I went into fight or flight. The reality was, that I wanted to fight, and the more I wanted to fight, the more amped I got.
This could go on and on for one reason or another. I began developing patterns, a.k.a. excuses, for how and why I should get amped up.
The truth is…it felt good. I felt good jacked up on adrenaline, even though in reality I felt bad. It was definitely a strange place to be.
Finally, after reading Dr. Joe’s work and listening to him talk over and over about how we are wired, I started to realize that I’m not angry, I’m addicted. Yes, the situations I dealt with bothered me, but they shouldn’t have bothered me to the extent that they did.
The reason they did is that I had trained myself to dump adrenaline through my system in bucket loads.
My thoughts created a chemical, which created a feeling/emotion that my body was addicted to, and my body signaled the brain to pump some more of that chemical to the body, so my brain thought more of those same thoughts, which created more chemicals that in turn were transmitted as a feeling in my body, and round and round I went.
Once I started to understand this, I was able to catch myself when I found myself going through this cycle.
I dealt with the same thing with depression and anxiety. I would start to feel depressed and signal that I needed more of whatever is making me feel depressed or anxious.
Again, round and round I would go.
During one of my therapy sessions several years ago, my therapist and I did an exercise of feeling the energy of a certain emotion and observing what it did or where it went in my body.
I don’t remember which emotion I chose, but I picked one and centered on it. At first, I started feeling a tingling in my chest. My therapist told me to sit with it and allow myself to go deeper and really feel it.
Eventually, I began to feel the energy, not just grow, but it began to shift locations in my body. It moved from my chest to my shoulders and it felt like my shoulders were starting to cramp. From there it went from my shoulders to my neck. It crawled up the back of my head and moved around the right side of my head to rest in my right temple and over my right eye.
As I continued to focus, it began to get a little painful. I stuck with it. The pain grew more and more intense. It felt like someone was standing beside me, pressing their fingers into the side of my skull in an attempt to pop out my right eye and cause as much pain as possible…gross, I know, but that’s what it felt like.
After some time, it began to recede and I felt the energy move back down into my shoulders.
It was after that session that I truly understood that our emotions are chemical signals from the brain to make the body feel a certain way. They produce a certain tangible energy that we recognize as a specific emotion. We’re all aware of it, it’s just that we’re not really aware of it.
I know this is strange, but hear me out…
We feel the feelings every day, it’s just most of us think this is who I am. We regulate it down to something we don’t have control over it. Maybe we do to some extent, but not really. Because if we did, we wouldn’t let ourselves get washed away.
However, you DO have control over it. The truth is we just haven’t taught ourselves how. Think about being in a public setting. For the most part, we can control our emotions pretty well because society will scrutinize us if we don’t.
At least, we have control to an extent. We may be raging inside with whatever feeling has laid hold of us until either enough time passes or we are able to get to a more private place where we can vent.
But we don’t even have to go that route.
We can start to take control as soon as that chemical dump starts flowing.
Some of the Biggest Excuses for not Taking Control of Your Emotional State are…
- It’s too hard
- The thought that, “This is just who I am, I’ve always been this way.”
Taking charge of your emotions is a difficult task because as I mentioned earlier, we are addicted to the chemical dump.
As much as we don’t like how it feels…We really do like how it feels. Pay attention next time you find yourself in a recurring state you don’t want to be in. I’m talking about one that happens for you regularly, and assess what and how you’re feeling. Allow yourself to really feel it and see if there is some dark part of you that secretly enjoys how you feel.
It probably won’t be standing out in the open waving at you, because there’s a larger part that is tired of dealing with whatever outbreak you’re emoting. But if you dig deep enough, you’ll find a little glutton peeking over its slimy little hands, eyes wide with glee as it secretly enjoys the sweet chemical release that feels like the bane of your existence.
So, how do we smash that glutton to oblivion with a boot-to-face stomp that will shut it up for good?
You have to work at it. Consistently. Every day until you regain control and start to take your power back.
The problem is, that many people will shy away from changing because they won’t see instant results. The idea that you have to stay on top of your thoughts and feelings 24/7 is too much work.
Others will try for a while but won’t see any major changes, so they’ll give up.
Some people will have outsourced their power to other entities or individuals, thinking they don’t have a say in the matter, and therefore won’t try to do anything about it in the first place. It’s the “It’s not my fault” mentality.
I’m this way because of this person, or this situation, or blah blah blah. They basically don’t want to take ownership of the situation because that means they’re responsible, and for a lot of people, it’s easier to outsource those problems than to own them.
If You Really Want to Make a Change, You Can.
The benefits may not be evident immediately, but if you keep at it. You will begin to see a change.
By working on this regularly, you can begin to see a shift in how you react and respond to people. It doesn’t mean you just lay down when something goes wrong, but you don’t immediately go to war either. Or vice versa, depending on your personality.
Another benefit is you start to realize more peace in your life. You’re able to step back and see that maybe some of these things aren’t necessarily worthy of your time or attention.
You can let go more easily, and suddenly, you find that BIG issues end up not being that big at all and that small issues can be brushed away without a second thought.
It can also bring you to a place where you begin to seek out the more positive aspects of life rather than the negative because your focus is now oriented to living with a positive mindset and attitude.
So, how do you do it? How do you make this change?
It All Comes Down to Being Conscious of How You Think…At All Times.
It involves being in touch with your physiology, which allows you to notice minor changes in your system that can clue you into how you’re thinking by how you’re feeling.
The reason this is important is because our mind is constantly attempting to run through the ruts we’ve created for it. It takes less energy, and in a way, seems more efficient, even if it’s not advantageous for our overall health and well-being.
When you can recognize how you think and how you feel, you’ll be able to quickly break the cycles of the programmed mindset you’ve created for yourself. As a result, you’ll be able to get back to a baseline of peace much faster than before.
Going back to my personal experience, I realized I was giving my power away and had adopted a victim mentality.
I struggled through years of depression, anxiety, worry, anger, fear, bitterness, resentment, yada yada, the list goes on, for no reason at all, other than the fact that I believed this is just who I am.
I Couldn’t Remember A Time When I Wasn’t THIS Way.
In reality, I could, but I chose not to.
Eventually, I decided I couldn’t live that way anymore. I wanted to make a change, so I put myself to work. I began to focus on catching my thoughts or feelings before they had a chance to pull me under.
I had to do this consistently, on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis…constantly checking myself to make sure I wasn’t falling back into the same rut.
Constantly on guard about what I was thinking.
Over time, I was able to conquer some of these emotions, which allowed me to move into a deeper state of joy, peace, and love in my life, and to focus on the other emotions that still need checking.
This is something that takes a lot of dedication, but it’s worth it. Something else that can help tremendously is meditation.
Meditation allows you to sit and consciously feel your feelings and thoughts. Go and try to sit for twenty minutes in silence. Make your goal to not think a thought and see how that goes for you.
Most people are frustrated in minutes because it’s nothing but thoughts. A constant barrage of never-ending thoughts!
Now, I’m not saying this is how to meditate, but do it as a simple way to feel what you’re feeling as you think what you’re thinking. See what kinds of arguments you begin to have with yourself over the course of twenty minutes.
How long before you tell yourself it’s stupid? How long before you feel like you can’t sit there another minute? How long before you sense the futility of the exercise? How long before you actually give up?
This is just to give you a general idea of what we do on a daily basis with our emotions. It’s just that we’re on autopilot most of the time and we don’t notice this is the normal grind we go through.
Give Meditation A Try
If you want to use meditation as a way to clear your mind, that’s great! Do what I mentioned earlier, go sit for twenty minutes, but allow yourself the grace to accept thoughts as they come and then let them go as soon as you realize you’ve latched on to one. Do this the entire time.
Close your eyes and see if you can get to the place where you’re the observer. You are aware. You’re watching, but you’re no longer really thinking. When thoughts come, you allow them to pass through without fighting them. You let them come and go, aware but not attaching.
Breathe slow and deep as you do this. See how you feel when you’re finished. How difficult was it? Was it frustrating? Was it peaceful?
Try doing it a second day and see how you feel.
If you continue on a regular basis, you soon start to realize how you are beginning to regulate yourself because you are becoming comfortable in silence.
You are finding peace in silence. Now when emotions start to roll over you, it knocks you out of equilibrium, and you take notice much more quickly because you feel the peace you’ve been working to build up over time starts to slip away.
You’ve been training yourself to feel at ease and peace, and your body likes it. As a result, those other emotions will feel out of place. They won’t feel as comfortable as they once did, so you’ll fight to bring that sense of peace back rather than go on that rollercoaster ride you were so used to.
Symbolically, this can bring a nice breath of fresh air into your life. You may notice life seems a little easier like there’s less friction to deal with.
You may realize or see new opportunities that you were previously closed off to because your mind was hijacked by your emotions.
Your relationships may start to get better as you’re able to let go of those thoughts and feelings that would previously drag you down. Instead of constantly being on guard, you’ll find yourself more open to life.
Consistency is Key
As mentioned earlier, consistency is key. Stay on top of your mind and what you think. Don’t allow those thoughts to pass through that you don’t want to think on a regular basis.
When they begin to show up, block them. Don’t let them take control.
Now some readers may think, but it’s good and natural to feel emotions. If someone is grieving, they should grieve, and yes, I agree with you. However, if the grieving begins to send you into a spiral of long-term depression, it’s no longer good for you.
You can still grieve in a healthy way, or process through any emotion in a healthy way without it hijacking your system.
In all of this, we need to be able to understand when to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, and when we need to put a cap on them. We aren’t trying to stifle emotions so we don’t feel anything ever again, that would defeat the purpose of our existence.
We are meant to viscerally feel our way through life, but I believe we can do this without allowing our emotions to take control where they begin to cause problems.
I do think another issue is that people don’t allow themselves to feel their emotions. We like to pretend they aren’t there, even though we feel them strongly. That’s why people may turn to drugs or alcohol, sex, binge-watching TV shows, or anything to escape their current reality.
So, it’s important to learn how to feel our emotions, but it’s also important to learn how to regulate and control them.
I hope this helps many of you out there begin to understand how to finally reign in some of these persistent thoughts and feelings you can’t seem to break away from.
Remember to share this with someone who may need to hear it.
Much love to you all,
Josiah
