The direction of your life mirrors the direction of your thoughts. Both positive and negative self-talk are silent directors weaving a path toward an exuberant life or existential crisis. As a result, your mind may feel like a war zone. But no matter the chaos, the truth remains: where your mind goes, you follow.
“Every man is what he is because of the dominating thoughts which he permits to occupy his mind.”
– Napoleon Hill
Phrases like, “I’m not good enough”, “I always mess things up”, “I sound so stupid”, “Things will never get better”, “I don’t deserve a second chance” are all real-world examples of negative self-talk, and they’re thoughts everyone contends with, whether you realize it or not.
Uncontrolled, these thoughts will imprison you within the confines of your mind, trapping you in a loop of destructive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that become difficult to break free from. Left unchecked, this pattern can deepen, and if you’re unwilling to confront them and challenge them, they will shape your reality.
However, this doesn’t mean you are destined to be plagued by them for eternity. There are tools to help you overcome these thought patterns—tools that can lift you out of misery and into a life full of peace and joy.
To challenge negative self-talk, however, you need to be able to recognize it when it shows up.
What is Negative Self-Talk?
Recognizing when you’re spiraling into negativity isn’t always self-evident. Why not? Because, many times, the thoughts seem justified based on your immediate experience. If you’re in an argument with your significant other, and you start to think negative thoughts about your relationship, that may seem justified. After all, if you’re arguing over something menial for the thousandth time, how do you not spiral into negativity? It can be infuriating. But this isn’t necessarily where the problem of negative self-talk arises.
No.
The problem arises when you continue to think about the argument with a negative mindset over the next few days or weeks. You can’t let it go, and you revisit the experience over and over in your mind.
Instead of letting it go, you rework the problem: What can I say to finally win this argument? How can I prove my point so that I am satisfied that I was right?
It’s this mindset, though, that keeps the conflict alive, whether the argument continues or not.
At its core, negative self-talk is rooted in mental rumination. It’s obsessing over what went wrong or might go wrong, often to defend your ego or anticipate pain.
Negative self-talk can also be fueled by insecurity around self-worth. Ruminating on past mistakes and why you’re not good enough. Constant worry of what people might think, or of stepping into a desired future because you believe you don’t have what it takes.
The Difference Between Reflection and Self-Sabotage
It’s essential to recognize that not all negative emotions are harmful. There is a reason for both positive and negative emotions. They align you with the world and inform you how to act and react based on the circumstances you find yourself in.
Reflecting on the negative aspects of your life, thoughts, and emotions can also serve as a compass for redirecting your focus. Most people fall into the trap of believing those negative aspects are true about themselves. You may have felt miserable for so long that you don’t remember not feeling that way, so reflection can turn into self-sabotage instead of the guiding light you’re looking for.
In other words, instead of reflecting, you give yourself over to the idea that you are all your negativity, which only fuels the negative self-talk.
Reflection needs to be done in a measured way, with the understanding that you are not your negativity. For instance, you are not your depression. You are not your anxiety, your anger, your shame—or any other form of mental or emotional turmoil.
No.
Instead, it’s understanding that an underlying belief system was developed and adopted over a period of time to help you make sense of the world.
If you develop a belief system over time, you can dismantle it and construct a new one.
Essentially, this is how I went from depression to depression free. I unwound the belief system of depression and built a new one around joy and peace.
To do that, I had to stop my reflection from turning to self-sabotage and allow myself to objectively look at the situation without dwelling on how miserable I was because of it.
The real problem most people encounter is not recognizing when negative self-talk first appears.
How to Recognize It When It Shows Up
Recognizing negative self-talk must become a skill you develop, because it often runs on autopilot. You don’t even realize that you’re allowing yourself to live in that place because you’re so steeped in it that it feels natural.
Recognizing when it’s happening means becoming aware of your thoughts, almost as if you are stepping out of yourself and observing from a third-person point of view. It’s about paying close attention to what you’re thinking and gently redirecting your focus when you notice you’ve drifted out of alignment.
This takes practice.
It takes work.
It means you can no longer run on autopilot thinking.
You must take charge of your life and do as William Earnest Henley stated in his poem, Invictus:
“I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.”
– William Earnest Henley
However, it’s not only about becoming aware of your thoughts but also about understanding your emotional and physiological states. “Feeling” a certain way can often trigger the cycle of thoughts and emotions that keeps you on the hamster wheel.
Pay attention to what’s happening in your body. Is there tightness or tension? Are you clenching your jaw or fists? Sweating? A void in the pit of your stomach, or butterflies?
Become aware of your entire being. This is the first step to reclaiming your mind from the patterns that once controlled it.
How to Shut Down Negative Self-Talk
The hardest part initially is recognizing when you find yourself in the pattern of negative self-talk. As mentioned earlier, it can feel so natural that you don’t even question it. But once you do question it, when you do start to catch it, what then? How do you begin to unravel the system to create a new one?
Here are a few simple steps to try as you work through this.
Step 1: Label It
When you find yourself ruminating on negative thoughts or trapped in a negative thinking pattern, regardless of how long you’ve been there, label it:
“That’s not me, that’s negative self-talk.”
The context doesn’t matter. You could be blaming yourself for something that happened or re-scripting an argument in your mind. What matters is that you catch it, stop it, and label it.
Step 2: Interrupt It
This is similar to step 1 but can be used in conjunction with it to help break the thought cycle. Interrupting is using physical or mental “pattern breakers” to disrupt the thought process, such as:
- Movement: Going on a walk, pushups, squats, grabbing some water—anything to shift your state.
- Breath: Use breathing techniques to reset your nervous system and create mental space.
- Humor: Call out the ridiculousness of the spiral. Sometimes, just laughing at your overreaction is enough to break the loop.
The goal is to break the cycle as quickly and often as needed. At first, it may take time, but with practice, the shift will become second nature.
Step 3: Externalize It
Speak it out loud or write it down. Anything to get the thought out of your head and into the light. There were many times when I would just state out loud to myself, “You’re doing it again.”
This was a quick break, a jolt to the system, to remind myself of where I was and what I was doing at a mental and emotional level.
You can say things like, “You’re feeling angry”, “You’re slipping into depression again”, “Why are you feeling anxious?”—anything that calls out the pattern directly. Name what you’re feeling out loud, which will help break the rhythm of your thoughts so you can reset.
This is akin to adopting a third-person point of view to objectively observe the thought, rather than being consumed by it.
Step 4: Reframe It
Look for truthful yet supportive alternatives to consider. Gratitude can often play a significant role in helping to reframe the situation. If you’re worried about not having enough, try being grateful for what you do have.
It may not seem like much, but consistently making a slight shift like this can have a profoundly positive impact on one’s overall well-being.
For example, instead of saying, “I’m failing,” reframe it as, “I’m learning what doesn’t work, but I’m still in the fight.”
Some Precautions
In all of these endeavors, you will likely be tempted to return to negativity. You will want to “resolve” the issue in your mind rather than simply dropping it or letting it go. Resist the urge to go back!
When you do go back, interrupt the loop again, even if it’s the tenth time today.
Don’t think it’s too late to interrupt your thoughts. You might be thirty minutes into a negative thinking loop before you realize it, and the tendency might be to think, “You’re too late!”
You’re not.
What matters is that you recognized it, regardless of how long it might have been. Once recognized, break the pattern and redirect your attention.
This is the work. You do it over and over until you become a pro.
Eventually, it will only take a few seconds for you to catch the thought, reframe it, and redirect.
At first, it feels like a fight, but with time, it becomes instinct.
Final Thoughts: You Can Train a Better Voice
Your thoughts are not you. They’re a culmination of experiences and belief systems you’ve used to navigate the world. The negative self-talk in you’re mind is not you. It’s a habit, not an identity. This means you can train your thoughts to take you from where you are to where you want to be.
The more you practice catching your thoughts, the easier it becomes to do so. Creating a daily practice can lead to significant life changes, but you must approach it with the understanding that you are taking small steps, aiming to be just a little better than you were the day before.
You are not aiming for perfection, because that can never be achieved.
You might struggle initially with this work, but don’t give up. The freedom you’re looking for is just around the corner if you’re willing to fight for it.
If this helped you find clarity, hope, or direction, please share it with someone else who may find it helpful.
Thank you for reading.
Stay in the fight! Until next time,
Josiah
